Questions to ask to get to know someone you have just met
Curiosity practice. Not interview, not interrogation. The goal is to surface the version of them you would not see at a party. The prompts here are organised by category of intent rather than by chronological date number, because what you want to know about someone in early dating does not change neatly between date one and date two.
Thirty prompts in five sub-sections. What makes them light up, how they think about people, what they do when nobody is watching, the version of themselves they are working on, and a small set of lighter prompts to keep the page humane.
What makes them light up
Curiosity practice begins with asking what they love, not what they have figured out. Enthusiasm is information. Listen for the energy of the answer, not just the content.
What is something you find quietly fascinating that you have stopped trying to make other people care about?
Real interest. Listen for the genuine energy.
What is the kind of conversation you would happily stay up late for?
Tells you what they value as a use of evenings.
What is a hobby you have, or want to have, that has nothing to do with anyone else?
Solo pursuit. Reveals their relationship with their own time.
What is the part of your work that you find genuinely interesting, even on hard weeks?
Work meaning, beyond the title.
What is something you have been quietly excited about lately?
Asks for present-tense anticipation. Listen for whether they have one ready.
What is a place you would go if you had a free Saturday and no plans, no obligations?
Honest Saturday. Tells you about their preferences in low-stakes terms.
What is the small thing in your week that you most look forward to, the one you would defend?
Small-joy specificity. Reveals their non-negotiables, gently.
What is the most fun you have had in a meeting, or a class, or a workshop, in the last few years?
Asks for fun in unexpected places. Often a surprising answer.
How they think about people
Relational intelligence shows in how someone talks about other people. These prompts surface that without making it heavy. They invite reflection rather than gossip, and the difference is the test.
Who is a person in your life you would call a great friend, and what makes them one?
Friendship definition by example. Listen for whether they can articulate it.
What is something you admire in one of your closest friends?
Admiration is rare and a good signal. Listen for whether they can name a quality.
What is the thing you find hardest to talk about with new people, and the thing you find easiest?
Self-knowledge about social pattern.
Who is someone you have changed your mind about, and what changed it?
Listen for whether the change was gracious.
What is the kind of friend you are at your best, and the kind you are at your worst?
Both sides. The willingness to name the worst is the signal.
What is a quality in another person that you find yourself drawn to, even when you cannot quite articulate why?
Implicit values surfaced through the unspoken.
What they do when nobody is watching
Identity prompts that have nothing to do with achievement. The version of someone that exists in the kitchen at midnight, or on a slow Sunday morning, is closer to who they are than the version on a CV.
What is the kind of evening you are happiest with when you are alone?
Solo happiness. Tells you about their relationship with themselves.
What is a thing you do at home that you would not put on a profile?
Honest domestic life. Often a quiet pleasure.
What is the kind of mood you go into when no one is asking anything of you?
Default mood. Useful information.
What is the most boring, ordinary thing you find quietly satisfying?
Boredom rebranded. Their answer reveals their threshold for stillness.
What is the kind of self-care you actually do, not the kind you would say you do?
Honest self-regulation. Listen for the specifics.
What is the most you have learned about yourself by spending time alone?
Solitude as teacher. A returning theme on this site for a reason.
What is the small ritual you have that brings you back to yourself?
Reset behaviour. Useful information by date three or four.
The version of yourself you are working on
Gentle future-tense, no therapy. These prompts ask what they are aiming at, not what they are wounded by. The difference is the difference between a date and an intake form.
What is a part of how you handle things that you are quietly working on at the moment?
Growing edge, in plain language. Listen for self-awareness.
What is something you used to want that you have stopped wanting, and what changed?
Wanting evolves. Tells you about how they have grown.
What is the version of yourself you imagine in five years that you are aiming at, in the boring sense?
Goal definition. Their answer reveals their aspiration shape.
What is the kind of person you would like to be in your forties, and what are you doing now to get there?
Forward thinking, with present-tense action attached.
What is something you have been getting better at, slowly, that nobody around you has noticed?
Quiet growth. Often the more honest kind.
What is the question you are sitting with at the moment, even if you do not have an answer?
Holding a question. Tells you about their intellectual life.
The lighter prompts
Three light prompts to round out the page. Not a fun-questions dump, just enough to keep the page humane.
What is the snack you reach for when you are not actually hungry, and what does it mean?
Snack as character. Their answer is often a small revelation.
What is the most useless skill you have, and how did you end up with it?
Useless skills are rarely useless. Listen for the story.
What is the song you put on when you need to feel like yourself again?
Identity song. Tells you something specific.
The category-of-intent organisation borrows loosely from the Aron framework idea that closeness builds in stages, although the prompts themselves are not from the original 36 questions. The Greater Good in Action source for the Aron framework is at ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/36_questions_for_increasing_closeness, with the fuller treatment at /the-36-questions-on-a-date.
The app delivers two hundred more for this stage, plus shuffle, save, and a pre-date primer mode.
It is being built. Read more on the about page, no email gate.